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Los Angeles Times Valley Edition | Glendale News-Press | 2005 July 16
Old World with a twist
BY PATRICK AZADIAN
A friend of mine recently had a rather harsh verdict on the marital affairs of the Armenian community. "Everyone is either divorced or getting a divorce," she said.
Although her remarks were certainly a stretch of the truth, I can see one way she may have come to that conclusion. Complaining about the present state of affairs is common and can be therapeutic.
Married men long for their glorious single days as if they were the town gigolo. "Oh eench orer eyeen, man," they say ("Those were the days, man," in Armenian). Always confirming with their buddies, they paint a rosy picture of the past: "Remember the time when I sent a drink to that Czech model at Caffé Roma in Beverly Hills?" Yes, we remember; only if a sentence had been exchanged during the non-encounter, things may have been different.
Married women, on their part, may claim they had a dozen qualified suitors ready to sweep them off their feet: "Oh eench orer eyeen!" "Remember that Italian would-be-actor-but-still-awaiter at Caffé Roma who said I didn't look Armenian at all? He was so talented and smart!" Yes, we remember him, too.
For our part, we the single or once-married peoples, secretly yearn for that "perfect mate" who will transform our lives into something it has never been. Yet we claim we are not looking; we show our apathy by statements such as: "I don't want to settle. My problem is I am too picky; I am not willing to lower my standards." In the midst of our aloof act, we forget that the process of finding a life partner is different than shopping for a 7-Series BMW.
Either way, whether we admit or not, the grass seems greener on the other side. Thus, the complaints.
Routine nagging aside, I think there is an undeniable grain of truth about my friend's observation on divorces in our community.
Although I have plenty of friends who are content with their family lives, for every two or three couples who've stuck it out, there is a person who's divorced. This is in sharp contrast to just a generation ago, when vows of marriage were truly "till death do us apart."
It used to be the formula for finding a life partner was basic: Look for someone who's interested in building a family and marry young.
Beyond that, men where looking for an attractive woman. "Arakeelee bes sroonkner oonee" ("She's got legs like a stork") was apparently a compliment in those days. Whereas, "Shat lav gordz oonee" ("He's got a very good job") was considered a plus for the groom.
Once the marriage vows were made, the path to the exit door was quite thorny. Being divorced carried an unshakable stigma. A divorced woman also faced the possibility of eternal economic dependence on her parents, and was sometimes shunned by her own family and friends.
In sum, the consequences of divorce outweighed the negatives of an unhappy marriage. Times have changed in warp speed. As a community, we have gone from a nominal number of separations to plenty.
My theory on the matter does not involve blaming the industrial West, as most Middle Easterners like to do every time their immigrant community is faced with challenges.
On the contrary, although the times have changed, the formula for finding a mate has remained very Old World.
To be blunt, most men are still looking for a family girl with legs like a stork and women are looking for a family man who can provide security. Beyond that, if the young couple has fun while they're dating it's interpreted as a good gauge for compatibility.
Once the vows are exchanged, pressures stemming from lack of common ground and unrealistic expectations creep in. As couples grow older and become more aware of their own needs and interests, they also become conscious of a compatibility gap in their marriage, a gap which was in its formative stage when the couple were young and naïve.
Meanwhile, men are still expected to have the ability to be the sole providers for the family. Except, providing a roof has taken on a completely new and more demanding meaning in our city. In addition to the traditional requirements of being a good father and husband, romance, sensitivity, high education, superior intelligence, stylishness and physical fitness have also been added to the mix.
For their part, the modern wife is expected to keep up with the husband in all aspects of life. Add to that the traditional responsibilities of being the selfless and protective Armenian mom, as well as an ongoing competition with the Maxim's cover girl, we have ourselves a model which may be impossible to follow.
Since the road to the exit door is not as thorny as before, many choose to relieve the pressures of their unhappiness by calling it quits.
The trend of separations should continue until youngsters create their own criteria for compatibility as opposed to borrowing from their parents.
Copyright 2005 Glendale News Press
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