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OFF THE BENCH | BY PATRICK AZADIAN
Foothills Living Magazine | February 2006

Dating common sense for men. And a few words for women...

Being single at my age has certain benefits. When it comes to the issue of dating, it gives me the benefit of hindsight.

Here are some unwritten rules for men for the beginning stages of dating. Read on at your own risk, but try not to search too much into my soul. Believe it or not, not all experiences are first hand... Scout's honor!

When it comes to making a connection with the opposite sex, timing can be very important. The weeks right before and after Valentine's Day are the perfect occasions to kick start the search for potential dates. Yes, there will be women who are mesmerized by their Valentine during this period, but there will also be those who will make a vow never be alone on this occasion. This, maybe your chance to punch above your weight class and perhaps, land a girlfriend who may otherwise be out of your league.

The game of phone tag
Let's say, you've spotted an attractive woman; how do you end up with her number? I will leave the details of approach and striking up a conversation to the self-help books, but here are a few hints. First, you have to make sure you've had some kind of a substantive conversation, and establish whether she's somewhat interested.

If you've been blabbering for a while, and she has not asked you a single personal question, chances are you're up for rejection. Questions such as "Can you go away now?" or "Have you seen yourself in the mirror lately?" will not do; they need to be personal as well as mildly inquisitive.

Once you think she maybe interested, then you can ask for her number. My suggestion is to take charge, flip out your wafer thin silver cell phone, look at the keypad and confidently ask: "Let me have your number." Act as if you are ready to enter her digits. No submissive inquiries such as "So, do you think, maybe, ahhh... I can have your number? Huh?" Don't show any signs of indecisiveness.

Once you have the number, do you wait a few days before you call? One of my younger cousins has a 6-day rule. He claims he won't call before the 6 days are completed. His excuse is "You want her to be pleasantly surprised when you call." Although I agree with him in principle, I think 6 days is way too long. You should wait two, maybe three days before you dial her digits. You don't want her to think (or know) you are desperate or over-zealous, but you also don't want her to forget you.

If she is not there and you decide to leave her a message, is it Okay to call a second time? In my book, the answer is, yes. Arrogance and pride are not called for at this stage. Especially if you've already determined, the girl is worth the chase. But the second call should never happen immediately. Here, we can refer back to my cousin's 6-day rule. One thing you definitely don't want to do is to call her constantly and not leave a message. You will quickly enter into her 'stalker list,' as soon as she sees more than a couple of missed phone calls from you on her cell phone. Blocking your number is not a good idea either; many people don't answer 'private' calls.

After a week, a second call maybe Okay; she may have lost your number, perhaps she was out of town, was ill, or worst yet, she got back together with her old boyfriend on Valentine's Day. In any case, there is no harm in calling a second time. What you don't want to do, however, is ask: "Why didn't you call me back? Huh? I left you a message..." Such line of questioning will often land you on her 'psycho list.' At this stage of the acquaintance, there is no relationship. If there is no relationship, there are no responsibilities or expectations.

Never, ever, call a third time, even if she maybe a goddess in your book. If she does not return your two phone calls, it's time to lose her number. I have a simple technique in these (of course, very rare!) circumstances: Erase the number from your directory.

If she is interested, she will call you, someday. At that time, you can re-record her number again, and it may even sound cool when you naturally don't recognize her number and say: "Excuse me, who is this?"

The technique allows you to avoid all those moments of weakness, when you've acquired a sudden burst of liquid courage to call her for a third time. Don't do it!

Out on a date
You finally succeed to get her out on a date and you remember that in the Hollywood movie "Life or Something Like It," the sloppy divorcee cameraman with a child was able to snatch Angelina Jolie away from her baseball star fiancé. And in your mind this is all because the final winner was a very 'real' and sensitive guy. Don't be fooled by Hollywood; the movie should have been titled "Life or Nothing Like it."

Women say they like 'real' and sensitive guys, but what they really mean is they like men like Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp to show some hints of emotion. But if you are the guy next door whose idea of a date is a visit to the local TGIF during happy hour, it's not a good idea to reveal too much about yourself on the first few outings.

Don't try to act genuine and sensitive by talking about your mom, your childhood, your most recent divorce, or reveal that you had tears in your eyes throughout "Titanic." It is better for her to think you are mysterious, than emotionally unstable. Keep the conversation about her, and keep the compliments to a minimum. It's the quality of the compliments that count, not the quantity.

If you choose to take her out to dinner, it's a good idea for you to be familiar with the surroundings. Take her somewhere where you can feel confident, but not overly confident. Any restaurant where you've dated the waitress is out of question. Moreover, don't take her to your local hangout, where they consider you as permanent of a fixture as the barstool. The bartender may have more information on you than you may think or remember.

Calm and collected
After years of knowing women, I've always wondered why is it that the ones we are mildly interested in find us intriguing and the few, which we think are God's gifts to huMANity, are often aloof toward us. The only explanation I have is that women can smell desperation. If you are in awe of their beauty, it is often best to act as if you are barely interested. An impossible task, you may think. My only advice on this matter is, rent yourself an early Marlon Brando movie, such as the "A Streetcar Named Desire," and watch it right before the date. Act like a sponge and absorb Brando's cool and aloof demeanor before you head out.

Picking up the tab
There should be no question on who picks up the tab. There are a couple of not-so-obvious reasons for this. First, because it's you who asked her out. Call me old school, but if you invite someone out to dinner, then you should assume the bill is yours. Second, and even less obvious: On a potentially romantic outing, you want the evening to go as smooth as possible. Any wrinkles in the process, which don't actually contribute to the ultimate goal of the evening, need to be ironed out. Imagine, after having a great dinner and a wonderful chat, you end up squabbling over who ate what. How much was the salad she ate and what was the price of the T-bone steak you gobbled? This is one of my absolute rules; don't give her the opportunity to touch the bill. If you can't afford to pick up the check, I highly recommend renting the above-mentioned Angelina Jolie movie and staying home.

A note of caution for ladies. Once you've determined your date is not a scrooge, it is always a good idea not to take him for a ride. In general, guys like to be in charge, but they don't like to feel they are being taken advantage of. After a few dates, you may want to offer to pay for coffee after the movie. Any self-respecting man will appreciate this gesture, even if he may kindly reject your considerate offer. All factors being equal, the small gesture will set you head and shoulders above some of his Eastern European dates who insist on the fact that 'dating' and 'Dom Perignon' are synonymous. He may even brag to his friends about you by saying: "She is so cool! She offered to pick up the tab at the coffee shop. She is so different than the rest!"

So, how reliable are my guidelines? I am certainly willing to stand by them, but don't blame me if your delivery, and not my methods, fail you at the end. Of course, from time to time, I've been known to break my own rules.

As a matter of fact, the once or twice I may have been in love, my own rules went out the window. Yet, everything fell into place, and at the time, I could not make a mistake, even if I tried.

Copyright 2006 Patrick Azadian